I was watching The Today Show this morning and they had a segment about women who choose not to be mothers. Ann Curry interviewed a woman (whose name I don't recall) who wrote a book on the topic. During the course of the interview she mentioned that she had received the exact feedback that she had anticipated. Comments like "you are selfish" or "you will regret it one day when it is too late". She of course does not expect to feel that way ever. For some reason the interview has stuck with me and I have been thinking about it all day.
The truth is, it is not a feeling I understand. I have always wanted to be a mother. I honestly can not imagine what it would feel like to not want to experience the most amazing kind of love out there. It is not a love that can be described to someone who has not experienced it. You can't explain how holding your child for the first time feels, or the joy you experience when watching them take their first steps, the first time they hug or kiss you or the first time they pretty much do anything.You can't explain what it means to be truly selfless. What it means to really never put yourself first.
Recently I have been experiencing something else, something that I believe goes hand in hand with this. I have been feeling to some degree the loss of self. I don't mean being selfless, I mean the changing from the person I was to the person I am now. I think it's natural, I think once you become a parent your life is changed forever. You are never the same person you were because now you have to evolve to fit your new role. That is not what I mean, as the mom of a child with special needs, I find that being that person, that mom, is all consuming. It is the axis that my entire world spins on. It is part of everything I do and every conversation I have. There is no putting it down or away. There is no vacation from it. As a result it, in large measure it defines who I am. I am no longer the care free, I can get over everything that comes my way person I was. The person who used to pride herself on being able to "move on and move past" every difficulty that came my way. The one who never allowed things to completely weigh her down, and when they were heavy allotted a time by which they had to be shaken off. I can't do that any more. Every decision is monumental and every need is great. The constant of "what will be and what will he need next" is always on my mind. The idea that this is forever, it is not strep throat or some other small childhood illness that will go away. The knowledge that there is no cure is a weight to carry around all the time.
Don't get me wrong, it is not all bad. Just like you can't describe to a person who isn't a parent what it is like to experience the joys of parenting you also can't explain to the parent of a typical child how it feels when that child, who you were told may never walk, walks for the first time. Or the elation when he speaks his first sentence, or the happiness on his face when people understand what he is trying to say to them. The way it makes you feel to watch him have a profound impact on the lives of the people around him. The way people love him and the way he loves so wholly and unconditionally. It is truly amazing.
Sometimes I miss my old self and sometimes I am grateful for who I have become. Often I feel like my life is spinning off of its axis but some days I truly feel it turning towards the sunshine.
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