Thursday, September 4, 2014

Between A Rock and A Hard Place

     I haven't blogged in a while. First I was at the beginning of my pregnancy and to sick too pick my head up to do anything. Then I got very busy with work and by the end of the day was so tired that all I could manage was either sleep or mindless TV for a few minutes before sleep. It is unfortunate because I missed many opportunities to blog about good things like my sons amazing summer at camp and our amazing visiting day experience. I didn't have a chance to talk about how great his homecoming was, or how much we all missed him. Or the ways in which I used the summer to relax. I wasn't able to share my feelings and thoughts on what was happening in Israel this summer or about the two trips my husband and I managed to take. I guess when everything is quiet we forget to take a minute to sit down and appreciate it, much less write about it. So here I am, months since my last blog post and I am back with a depressing story.
     My son has been back home since August 18th. We missed him madly and of course are very happy to have him home but what I realize again, with his homecoming, is that there is no re-entry, there is no easing back in. He is home and he is back to being himself immediately. The main difference honestly is how much he grew over the summer. He must be at least 3 or 4 inches taller than when he left. He is a giant. Before he left to camp I was already entering a new stage, one where I had begun to realize that at age 9 he is already stronger than me. That I can basically no longer physically over power him when necessary. So even though we have put many safety measures in place such as the double sided lock on the front door, the new gate to make sure he can't escape and the GPS device that he wears daily, we still have episodes. After all the plan is not to keep him locked up for life.
     And so, over the last 2 days I have had to tackle him to the ground three times. Once yesterday and twice today. At this stage though, this is a bit tricky because I am 8 months pregnant. So 1) there is a danger in it for me that was not there previously 2) it is physically more difficult and 3) I weigh considerably more than I used to and am unable to lay across him in a way that distributes my weight evenly across his body like I used to do (insert fat pregnancy joke here). But what am I to do when faced with a risk to his safety, allow him to run and potentially end up in the middle of the street or in some other dangerous situation. Obviously, that isn't a choice. Do I expect others (who aren't his mother) to have to manhandle him in that way, that seems pretty unfair to them. Or do I get down on the ground, lay across him while trying to protect my belly and call my husband to come home from work to help me? It seems there is only one answer, certainly in that moment.
     But there are bigger questions here. How do I choose in that situation who to protect? Do I protect my son who has no impulse control and can be a harm to himself. Do I choose to protect my stomach and unborn child? Is there a happy medium? Is it irresponsible of me, knowing that my son is stronger than me, to even be pregnant? My son would never hurt me on purpose, but when he loses control he can't stop himself, he is totally lost in his obsession at that moment. And what happens now that he is truly stronger than me? What does this next stage look like? How do I manage it? What happens in a few years when he is stronger than my husband too (those of you who know my husband know he is not a bog guy)? Who do I call then?
     Don't misunderstand, my son is not violent and this isn't an always problem, but we do have these moments and incidents. We also don't know what will be as he gets older, maybe it will get easier. Maybe he will be less impulsive. Maybe he will be calmer and easier to manage, or maybe not. I don't know how this story develops, all I know is that I wish I had blogged about something more sunny during the calm. It would be nice to be able to re read those blogs during the storm.