When I was younger I always pictured my life nice and tidy and tied with a big bow. I think most of us do. We imagine the life we will have and it is usually bright and shiny and easy. We are too young and dumb to think it could be any other way. So I envisioned a life with my big family and all the things we would do. I think one of the hardest parts of my actual life, for me, is the adjustment I had to make from the life I imagined to the life I actually live.
That is a reality we all face. Not only me as the mother of a special needs child but anyone whose life has at all veered from the path they imagined (which is probably everyone in some form). I find that I am often still coming to terms with this reality and so it is sometimes challenging to figure out what path to take. For example, for the longest time I resisted getting help on Saturdays. In my mind, Shabbat was a family day and if I had someone else watching my son that meant he was not experiencing the things that were special and unique to that day. Until one day I woke up and realized that none of us were because instead of sitting down at the shabbat table or being inside of synagogue one or some of us were out delivering the mail with him. Instead of just him losing out on something that he had no idea he was missing, we all were. And so I hired someone to help out on Saturdays. It is true, that is not the way I imagined my family experiencing shabbat but it works, and that is what matters. So to with Sundays. As I have written in the past, for a long time we rarely did anything more than going to the Coffee Bean on Sundays (which as many of you know is somewhat of its own religion for us). The truth is, that it works for us. It is something that all of my children enjoy and so that was enough. Only recently have we begun to expand our repertoire to include more activity on Sundays. And you know what, that was OK.
Until now. Our middle child is getting older. He is 5 and ready to experience more. He hears about all of the things his friends do and is ready to do them too. Unfortunately though, he is often held back. It is difficult for us to do these things as a family. Taking our older son to a lot of these fun and exciting places is out of the question and truthfully just plain not worth it. Does that mean though that his siblings should not have those opportunities that they crave. That we as parents should not be able to provide them and watch our other children bask in the amazement of these things.
It is a very big step to look at your family unit and be able to say that it works best when divided. The dream is to be able to do everything together. To go places and experience them with all of our children. To have albums filled with pictures (at least theoretical albums because anyone who knows me knows that even if I had the pictures printed they would just collect dust in their envelope) of all of the great things that our family has done. We are finally taking that step. We are untying the big imagined tidy bow.
Tomorrow my husband is packing up the car early in the morning (or at least early for him) and hitting the road with our middle child. They are going to San Diego to visit Sea World and Legoland. Two rites of passage for any Southern California child. This is not a trip that would work for my oldest and my youngest is too young to know that she missed it. So we have decided, that for our family, not all pictures will have to include everyone and that it is OK. There will be plenty of things that we will all do together but that it is also ok to understand our family unit and be comfortable with how it best functions. Sure, I am a little sad that we can't do it together and jealous of the fact that my husband will be there to see my middle ones face light up as he pets his first dolphin or goes on a roller coaster but the truth is, I am mostly excited for my son. He is going to have the best time. He doesn't know that he is going yet. The plan is to tell him when he gets in the car tomorrow so that I can have the opportunity to see his face light up without his siblings feeling left out or sad. Yeah it stinks that I won't be a part of it but truthfully, roller coasters make me nauseous and I am afraid of animals and these two facts help to console me.
So while part of me is sad about the fact that the life that I envisioned is not the reality, the other part of me is excited that we have managed to figure out how to still make it work. How to provide each of our children with experiences and memories that they will cherish. Some will be together and some will be apart but I know that each one will be special.
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