When I was younger my brother used to call me "move on move past Miriam". He gave me the nickname because I could literally get over anything and everything quickly. I would choose a moment when I was done being upset or annoyed about something and just decide in that instant that I was over it. I was a master at it. It is the kind of skill that should have carried into adulthood and really served me well in life. So why didn't it?
We were supposed to be on a plane to Israel right now. My niece is getting married and the whole family, my husband, myself and my 4 children including my brand spanking new baby were going to Israel for the week of Thanksgiving. I decided that we would all go this summer even before the baby was born. I checked with my pediatrician and asked if he would let me take a newborn without shots on a plane and he said yes barring any issues. I was eager to book the tickets during the summer because the prices were great during the war. Nothing, literally nothing could deter me. Everyone told me I was insane to take an entire family, especially a newborn for just a week, but I was on a mission.
Last week my oldest son was hospitalized twice. Once for low blood pressure for which we were discharged after about 24 hours and then not 24 hours later we were back in the hospital because he had hiccups for 3 days straight and non stop vomiting. That combined with the low blood pressure and the fact that he was acting strange got us a one way ticket to the MRI machine. Apparently these are potential signs of a brain tumor. When all of this was going on, I did not even break a sweat. After all we have been through enough of these medical emergencies to know that at the end he is always OK. When the doctor mentioned the words brain tumor, my husband and I did not even flinch. We were that sure that he would be just fine. Yes, it is exhausting every time we land in the hospital and sure it is really no fun, but thank G-d, we have never had to actually face anything serious. In the end (bli ayin hara) it always turns out OK and we chalk it up to "its Yonatan". After each of these episodes I always say "one day they will call it the Yonatan syndrome and diagnose other kids with it". Each and every time I move on and move past.
So why then, when I discovered last night at 10 pm that his passport was expired and realized that there was no way we would be on a plane on Sunday at 1:30 pm did I find myself in a tail spin? Crying and being so upset that I thought I was literally going to vomit? Why is it, that when things as huge as the need to rule out a brain tumor happen I don't even flinch but an expired passport feels like it will be the end of me, the straw that breaks the camels back? That same brother said to me today "come on Mir, move on move past. You of all people should know that this is really not worth getting worked up over. You have much bigger fish to fry". I know he is right but as I told him, there are so few things in my life that I have control over. I have no choice but to get over them because they are the cards I have been dealt so when the things that are in my control go to hell they hit me extra hard because those are the situations that should be in my power to control and that makes them much harder to get over.
In the last month I have had a baby, I have taken my son to the hospital twice, I have seen countless new doctors with him, I managed to get my newborn daughter an expedited passport (and yes, I even checked all my other kids passports before taking care of hers to make sure they weren't expired and somehow missed the date on his) and the question I kept asking everyone is "can I still go to Israel" and "don't forget that we are going to Israel next week. Can we travel with those hiccups", "is the blood pressure an issue, can we still leave on the 23rd?". I think that the idea that after all of that an expired passport was going to be what got in my way, overwhelmed me. I know this happens to everyone. Who does't have some passport nightmare story? The difference is that when it happens to them they haven't dealt with all of the crap that I have before even getting to their passport fiasco. They haven't had the kind of month I have. So they can deal with it, cry a bit and move on. For me it is the build up to the stupid things that make them so hard to swallow and so difficult to move past.
The good news is that this story has a happy ending. No we did not get on a plane today but we will get on on one on Tuesday. All of us! and we will be at the wedding, with bells on. We may be a little travel and life weary and the bells may not ring as loudly, but we will be there.
