My Other Man

     I am not easily amazed. Often, I am not even easily impressed. I am somewhat of a cynic and often expect the worst. It is rare for me to really be wowed by someone. Occasionally though, I am.
     I am currently sitting in the hospital with my husband's grandfather who is 91 years old. He fell about 10 days ago and fractured his pelvis. This is the third in a series of falls over the last few years. The first time he fell and broke his hip, I cautioned my husband that it is very difficult for elderly people to recover from such a break and that he should prepare himself for what may come. He was furious at me. Unfortunately though, I had seen it quite a few times and knew that often, the outcome of a broken hip is not a good one for an elderly person. Well, as it turns out, I was wrong. It was an amazing recovery. He healed and some might say, got even better.
     About 6 months ago he fell again, another broken hip. By this time I had learned my lesson and told my husband, that just as he has done it before, his grandfather would do it again. We could expect a full recovery and sure enough, we all watched it happen. Another remarkable recovery. Just two weeks ago, when I went to his house to visit with him, he proudly told me that he had walked to and from the store by himself. He was having a great day.
     And then 10 days ago, he fell again. This time he fractured his pelvis. Since then, he has been in the hospital and it has not been an easy time for him. He is very weak and in tremendous pain. It is hard for those of us who love him to watch him suffer so. We are worried about him because he is in pain and because his spirits are low.
     But here is the thing about Zaidy. He is truly amazing. He has been through so much in his life and he is a true survivor in every way. He never gives up and and has the most incredible will to live. It is awe inspiring. But more than that, it is a lesson for me every day. He has shown me that no matter what, you can never give up. That life deals you difficult cards but you must play them. That being strong is a must and that making it through is the only option. I recently told him that had I lived during the time of the Holocaust I don't think I would have survived it. He answered me that you have no idea what the human body is capable of.
    I have been having a pretty bad day today. Lots going on, some tough decisions to make about my son. I have been sick for a few weeks with something I can't seem to shake and so when I woke up this morning with a splitting headache it seemed the only course of action was to have a good cry. I had a pretty big crying jag and have been feeling pretty gloomy all day. But as I sit here, doing my "shift" with Zaidy, it occurs to me that I really need to take a page out of his book. I could learn quite a bit from this man who simply won't quit. It probably wouldn't hurt for me to try to take a positive spin on life. To emulate him. The truth is, I am not sure yet exactly how to apply the lesson he is teaching me right now to my life, but I am going to figure it out. I will figure it out because I know, that if I can get even an ounce of his spirit I will be doing pretty ok.
    And I will tell you this, he just turned to me and asked me  if my parents are proud of me. When I answered him that I think so and that I hope so he said to me "that is not enough. If you were my daughter I would tell everyone how wonderful you are". Not a bad way to end my crappy day. I am going home with a big smile on my face.

Incredibly Loud

     If you read my last post you know that last Thursday night was not a pretty one in my home. As I reported I was at the end of my rope, My eldest was way overtired and my husband was still at work. My son, you may already know, has a tendency to scream whenever he feels like it. As you may also know, It is not a pleasant sound. It is kind of blood curdling to be honest. On a good day, it happens multiple times but can be mostly ignored but on a bad day, it is a constant. We like to think of it as the sound track to our lives. It is like a combination of heavy metal and hard core rock at the highest volume possible. As you can imagine, it is pretty painful to listen to.
     Back to Thursday night. There I was alone with all three children, exhausted and sick and he was screaming on the top of his lungs repeatedly. At that point, I pretty much felt like I had no other course of action but to scream back. Yes I know, counter productive, against everything they teach me in behavior therapy, but seriously as I said, END OF MY ROPE. So pretty much, you have the picture. It went something like this, he let out a few big screams and I would scream back at him saying "I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE JUST STOP ALREADY!." As I said, not a pretty picture. I really couldn't think of anything but getting him to stop.
     Here is what I was not thinking of, and probably have not thought about enough, my other kids. As this screaming fest was going on, my four year put is hands over his ears, clenched up his entire body and screamed "I can't take the screaming any more!". He was referring to both me and my son but it occurred to me at that moment, that while I can control my screaming, my oldest can not. I started to think about the impact this screaming is having on my other kids. After that, my four year old spent the rest of the night telling me he hated his older brother, he is so mean, he only loves me, his father and his little sister not his brother and so on and so forth. Here is the thing, I don't think that kind of talk is unique to our family and our situation. Every body hates one or all of their siblings and parents at some point in their lives. The difference that I can see, and that I fear most of all, is that while usually kids get over it and grow to be close and love their siblings, my kids may not. They will have this resentment and anger towards their brother, and truthfully their parents, forever.
     While it is hard as a parent to juggle kids, home life, marriage and work it is exponentially more difficult to juggle a special needs child in that mix too. The nature of the beast (so to say) is that he/she really truly runs your life. Every decision that you make from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to sleep in some way revolves around that child. How is it possible that your other kids won't feel shafted, no matter how much you try to over-compensate. Couple that with the resentment they are going to have towards that sibling, as well as the discomfort they may feel about him and it is a really scary future.
     So while most of your kids will hate each other one day and love each other the next, I spend all day worrying about the future. Will my other kids ever get over it. Will the screaming (and other difficult behaviors)  impact them in ways that I can't see and won't be able to see until it is too late? Will they gain from this experience and grow up to be better people for it? Or will they grow up angry and sullen and hate me and their brother. It is really pretty scary to think about.
     The truth is, that we have countless opportunities to screw up our kids while we are in the business of raising them, but I sometimes feel like the scales are already not tipping in my favor.

Knowing When To Stop

     I'm sick. Nothing serious, no big deal, but feeling lousy. Just a sinus infection with a cough attached. You are probably wondering why I am sharing this with you? Who cares? I hear that, but I am sitting here trying to remember a time when I was sick and actually had the chance to do what it takes to get better. I am trying to recall what it felt like to just get into bed and take care of myself.

     Probably, this was the kind of thing that with some antibiotics and a day in bed would have been over before it really even began. I started off right, got the antibiotics and even remembered to take them. Somehow after that, it all went to pot. The kids did not cooperate, the job did not cooperate and the husband didn't either. 

     I obviously had to work everyday, which meant no rest during the day when the kids weren't around. My kids decided this week that each of them should be up at least one time during the night every night. My oldest thought that yesterday morning at 5 and this morning at 4 am were his wake up times. I might have ignored him except that I heard him waking up our houseguest (his uncle) and felt bad and so I jumped out of bed. My husband has been working late every night this week which has meant it was all me all the time in the evenings. Basically it has been non stop. And so, what should have been a sinus infection that would have been over in a day has turned into a cough that won't quit and a pulled muscle in my back from all the coughing. It has been compounded by exhaustion and all around crankiness. 

     I am not telling you this to complain but rather, because I have learned something from this. The bottom line is that being a Mom is really hard work especially when you also work full time (not to mention when you are measured by a quota). It is non stop! As a result what happens is, we don't. We simply don't stop because there isn't any time to. You are like a mouse on a wheel and usually you either can't figure out how to get off or you are afraid that if you do it will be too hard to get back on. Turns out, that is a mistake. If only, I had taken a few hours for myself and let myself get better I probably would be better by now. In the end, I did myself a disservice because now I really can't move because everything hurts and I haven't slept all week. Mistake, big mistake!

     And so, I am hoping to learn from this mistake. I am hoping that the next time I am feeling lousy, I will be smarter and that I will encourage my friends to be smarter too. This way, hopefully, I won't have a repeat of the disaster that was this evening in my home. All of my children screaming at me and me yelling right back at them. (btw- it honestly could have been the other way around). No body was happy and least of all me.