Sunday, September 6, 2015

Sorry Kid, There Really Is No Santa

     When my second son turned 4 I wrote a blog called "When The Nickel Drops". In it I told the story of the time my parents took him to get a bike for his birthday and how he asked about why his older brother wasn't getting one. I spoke about the comment he made about Yonatan not being able to get one because his hands are "squishy" and how I thought that was the moment when he got it, when the nickel dropped.
     This Saturday morning while in the boys room helping them get dressed for synagogue, my younger son turned to me, having just been drooled on by his brother, and said "Mom, you have to remember to tell him to close his mouth and swallow. I really don't like when he drools on me". I responded OK you are right and prepared to move on. We were obviously not on the same page. He then said to me "Isn't there a shot you can give him". I said "so that he won't drool?" and he said "no, so that he won't have special needs anymore". WOW.  I took a deep breath, tried to hide my tears and said "no, there isn't". At which point he turned to me and said "so he is going to be like this forever?". I told him yes, that if he didn't have special needs he wouldn't be the Yonatan that we know and love to which he responded "nope, we would". He then asked me "Do you think Yonatan knows he has special needs?". I told him I did, and that I was happy to answer all of his questions but that I would prefer not to  talk about it in front of Yonatan, since I felt that Yonatan was absorbing the conversation. At which point Raphi said "nope, I am good, no more questions" and moved right on. I tried (I think pretty successfully) to hide my tears and move on with him.
     Where to start with this one! First off, clearly the squishy hands moment of  4 years ago, was not quite what I thought it was! The nickel had obviously not dropped. Raphi is a very bright kid. I really thought he already understood and that he had gotten it ages ago. He is so amazing with his brother, he is so patient and kind and protective. It truly did not occur to me that until now he didn't really understand. That he still had questions or that he thought that we could take Yo to the Doctor and "fix him". (I do kind of wonder why if he thought that was a possibility he didn't think we would have already gone that route, a question for when he is older I think.)
     In that moment, I was also very sad for Raphi. I haven't had the chance to revisit the conversation with him yet, and I still haven't decided if I will or should, but I do feel a little bit like yesterday was the day I had to tell him that there really is no Santa Claus or Tooth Fairy. That the things we want to believe can happen sometimes, just can't. I wonder how his newfound understanding will shape him and his interactions with his brother. If it will change him or them in anyway. How that brief conversation will impact him in his life. The moment the nickel really dropped. The moment he truly got it. Or if maybe in a year, I will find myself having a different version of this conversation and if in that moment  I will realize that just like I can't completely comprehend it at 36, he certainly can't get it at 9, 10 or even 25.
     Either way, I do believe that being Yonatans brother is shaping Raphi into an amazing kid and ultimately an incredible adult. I used to worry that the impact would be negative, that the challenges that having a sibling with special needs create would outweigh the benefits. But I know better now, because I have seen first hand the depths of kindness that exist in my younger children towards their brother.  I am actually (much to my surprise) pretty confident, that with each passing year and deeper understanding that kindness and goodness will grow deeper.

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