After the bus incident in Israel we made some changes in our life. For example, we used to allow Yonatan to play in the front of our house as long as he stayed inside the gate. Since we came home we explained to him that we can no longer trust him and have taken that privilege away. I have spent time researching GPS devices, chosen one and ordered it. In addition, we used to have an issue with him running out the front door but a little while ago I installed a double sided combination lock so he couldn't get out anymore which solved the problem. We also have a fence on our driveway and so when the front door is locked, our home is a safe haven. It is a place where he can play inside or in the backyard freely and we don't have to worry. Or so we thought.
Last night (shabbat), around 7:30 pm, that changed. I had been out visiting my cousin with the two younger kids and my husband was home with Yonatan. Yonatan was playing in the backyard and my husband was resting. Our bedroom window abuts the part of the back where he plays and you can hear everything. When I came home I checked in with my husband, asked him where Yo was and he told me that he was in the back. I went to put my youngest in bed and give my middle dinner. I have no idea what possessed me to even go outside and check on him in the back. After all, the backyard is a safe zone. Something obviously compelled me to go out there. When I went outside he was nowhere to be seen. I called his name, I looked everywhere. I came back in the house and searched each bedroom and called to my husband that he was not here. He was missing…again. It was a mystery, the front door was locked as was the gate. Where could he possibly be?
My husband jumped up and ran outside. He looked to the left and the right and decided to go left. At that moment a car pulled up, a woman who we don't know (but apparently lives nearby and knows Yonatan) got out and said to my husband "you have a little blonde boy right? I just saw him crossing Roberston Blvd. and when I asked him where he was going he told me he was going to wait at the bus stop". For a little context for those of you are not familiar with Los Angeles, Roberston is a major street, major. While our corner has a crosswalk there is no light and it is certainly not a safe place for a child to cross alone. In addition, a few houses down from the bus stop is a halfway house full of very questionable resident. Junkies, drunks you name it.
My husband immediately took off in a run towards the corner. On his way, he slipped fell face first into the asphalt and injured himself pretty badly but obviously picked himself right back up, ran across the street, retrieved our son and brought him back home.
For those of you keeping score, this is way worse than what happened in Israel, far more dangerous and far more scary. We were very shaken up and once again damn lucky considering what the outcome could have been. I can't even give voice to the horrible possible outcomes that have been running through my head all day.
I know what you may be thinking, how did you let this happen again? Why weren't you watching him. Didn't you know this could happen? Didn't you learn your lesson? That is very unfair! We were in our house. The one place on earth that we thought was a safe haven. Where we allow him to be free and roam, where we try not to have a million rules. Where we honestly thought he was safe and protected. We were wrong.
That is the thing that I have been struggling with all day. The reason that I have been depressed since last night. It feels like no matter what measures we put in place, even when we think we are one step ahead of him, we aren't. In fact, he is always one step ahead of us. He is so damn smart. He is so determined that he wedged his body through a small gap between the fence and the wall and slipped out knowing full well that when he was caught he would be punished from here to next year. That he is so impulsive and so clever that he will always be outsmarting us, and also be a danger to himself. That he is so unable to control himself that he risked being able to ride the bus every week, which he knows will be the outcome of running away.
It is very difficult for me to fathom a world where even my home is unsafe for him, where I can't turn my back for a second. Where there is no freedom for him or for us. Where no matter what I do to get ahead of him, I have to always fear that it isn't enough. It is very daunting and extremely upsetting.
So while we have already put up a temporary measure to keep him locked in and already called someone to come and tell us what type of gate we need that even he will not be able to get around, I know that everything I do is simply a temporary solution. That he will outsmart us again. And to be honest, it is really frightening.
