Friday, June 12, 2015

The Absolute Wrong Way To Help

     I am seething, I am furious. I know that writing when I am this angry is probably not the best idea. I recognize that it is hard to be objective when you are this angry, but I simply must write.
 
     To start, I want to say, that I recognize that there are people out there who genuinely want to help others and really don't know how. As a result, they sometimes do the wrong thing but with the right intentions. Also, as a Mom, I know that making sure that children are safe is a natural instinct and is mission critical. So please recognize that thru this rant, I am not unclear about that. I also know, that often (and unfortunately) many people are self absorbed and self righteous and don't usually stop to think about what impact their actions have on others. That people who truly want to help stop and ask how they can do so and don't sit in judgement of those around them.
 
     Last Saturday afternoon, on the way home from synagogue Yonatan had a meltdown tantrum. He became unmanageable while we were walking in the middle of our neighborhood and in order to get the situation and him under control my husband had to pick him up, throw him over his shoulder in a manner in which he could protect himself from being scratched and bitten and carry him home. Everything about this instance (and this was not the first time and will not be the last) is heartbreaking and horrible for us as parents. First off, no one wants to have to restrain their child in this was or in any way. Also, it is devastating to feel that your child might want to hurt you, even when you know that he can't help himself and that in a few hours, when he is calm he will feel devastating remorse and apologize endlessly for hours. It is embarrassing when this happens in public and it is extremely physically difficult to throw a 70 lb screaming, yelling, struggling child over your shoulder (especially when you are just a short jewish man). Simply put, it is awful.
   
     Now close your eyes and compound that terrible feeling with the feeling you have when you look back and see that the people walking behind are very clearly judging you unfavorably for your actions. When you can see the look of disgust on their faces. I want to be clear on this point. The look on their faces was not of concern but rather of judgement . They didn't ask if they could help. They didn't turn to my in laws who were walking with us and say "is everything ok? are you concerned by what is happening?". Nope. They just gave us dirty looks. At that same moment that I noticed them  Yonatan began to vomit. Understand, this is not an uncommon occurrence. Yonatan vomits when you look at him funny. He vomits when he sneezes and he always vomits when he is screaming and carrying on. So obviously, considering that, I didn't even blink or bat an eye when he did. It was at this moment, that in a nasty tone, one of the onlookers turned to me and said "don't you think you should finally put him down. He is vomiting!" I, being the friendly person I am, turned back and said (in an equally nasty tone) "we are just fine, I don't think we need your help and advice" and continued helping my husband. When I turned back, I noticed that my mother in law had stopped to educate these onlookers about our situation. I immediately turned to her and said "do not speak to them, we do not need to justify ourselves to them". The accuser at that point said "I was just concerned because your son was vomiting blood!" The fact that he can't tell the difference between cholent vomit and bloody vomit was not a point in his favor.
 
     After that encounter, my in laws tried to point out to me that people should in cases where they suspect abuse and in cases where they have concern speak up and that it is our responsibility to teach them. I explained to them that 1) no one abuses their kid in broad daylight on the busiest corner in their neighborhood at a time when everyone is walking home from shul and that 2) if they were in fact concerned then what they should have done is stopped and said "can we help you" or "is everything ok"? and not have been obnoxious and judgmental.  Because in fact, even that 1 minute dialogue with them hindered our ability to make sure our son was safe in the moment. Any distraction during one of these incidents can be incredibly detrimental. And it is time we can not afford to waste on other people. All of our attention in these instances must be on our son (not to mention our other 3 children).
   
     Fast forward to Thursday morning. My husband gets a call from the director of an organization that my son is involved in asking if he can come over and chat. He of course says yes and they sit down at our dining room table. He informs my husband that he received a call from this person saying that they believe that we are a family that sends their son there and that she was going to call child protective services for what she witnessed but having remembered that our son goes there decided to contact him first. She specifically noted that if this is what we do to him in public she can only imagine what we do to him in private. Obviously, he explained to her that there is no way that we would ever abuse our child and also how difficult he can be.
   
     Before I continue, I want to make one thing very clear. I feel very strongly that the only appropriate thing that was done here is that they called this organization. I think that in a case like this, where there is an organization with a leader who you know can be trusted and cares for children with special needs the absolute best thing to do for that child is bring it to their attention. I also feel strongly that no matter what you think (as the director) of any family you should always investigate every single claim because every child could be at risk and every child deserves every single advocate. Especially children who may not have their own voice.
   
     However, and this is a very big however, you need to understand the implications of your actions in a situation like this. Child protective services removes children first and investigates second. Can you imagine the impact of being removed from your home if you are a special needs child. Can you imagine the impact on the other children who will forever fear that if their older brother misbehaves they will be removed from their home? Can you understand for one second the depression that my husband and I experience from an encounter like this and generally from the difficulties of these situations.
   
     So to those of you out there who truly want to help but don't know how (or think they know how), if you witness something like this get off your high horse. Stop and say "is everything ok?" offer to help. Show kindness and compassion. Evaluate the situation in its entirety or recognize that in the moment you can't understand it fully. Don't rush to judge. Think through your actions. Look around and ask around. These people obviously knew who we were. They could have easily investigated us before making accusations. It is by but the good graces of G-d that they called this organization first. Even if the intention of these people was good my heart stops as I imagine the damage they could have done had they acted on their opinions and not on fact first.