Happy Holidays?

     Tonight is the first night of Channukah. To me, holidays are always a joyous time to spend with family and friends. As a child I loved Chanukah, I mean what child doesn't? Gifts every night, dreidel with gelt, chocolate coins and latkes. Nothing not to love. I remember, as a kid, that my dad had this huge plastic coke bottle (probably about 4 ft tall) filled with pennys. We used to bust it out and play dreidel with those pennys. We always had the best time. I remember the anticipation as my mother went to her room to get the presents just as we were finishing singing Maoz Tzur. The excitement when I opened a gift and truthfully, the let down when it wasn't something I had been hoping for. I have amazing memories of Chanukah at home.

     Now I am a parent and let me tell you, that bubble has been burst! Chanukah is a whole different story when you are a parent. The  exhaustion that comes from running around trying to get the gifts, compounded with the stress of choosing the "right gifts", coupled with the annoyance of having to hear every day for a month, before it even starts, about what gifts your children want for Chanukkah. I am now actually amazed that my own parents didn't throw in the towel when we were kids. I mean there were seven of us multiplied by eight nights. To me that equals hell.

     For us though, there is a whole added level of stress and honestly, pain. It is very difficult to buy our oldest son gifts. There are very few coneventional things he enjoys. I could walk up and down the aisles at Toys R Us, Target and Walmart and walk away with out even a single idea. We literally rack our brains for what to get him . Where my four year old has spent a month making a list, my six year old has not even mentioned Chanukah. I was actually pretty lucky this year because he has recently gotten into guitars. As a result, I was able to knock off one night and buy him a child size real guitar, which he seems to love. I literally wiped my brow with relief after the gift unwrapping. It was a "Chanukah miracle" to see only smiles.

     The pain though was not as easily assuaged. It is very hard for me, a religious mother, to watch my son show little interest in a tradition and holiday that has always been such a happy time for me. We stood there, lighting the menorahs this evening, and my oldest was pretty much uninterested. My four year old knew each bracha and was so excited to light the candle. My 19 month old shuckled and swayed, like she has seen her father do when he prays, as we recited the blessings and my oldest had to be begged to stay put and light his menorah. As his parent, it is very difficult for me to think forward towards all of these types of events in jewish life that hold little appeal to him. It is sad to think, that he will never find joy in these integral parts of religion and childhood. These times are so important in a jewish home and they simply don't hold that same excitement for him.

     I think, when you are a mother, you experience everything differently than you did before. You view everything from the view point of your children. You feel happiness and joy when they feel and experience it. Unfortunately, it is these holidays and times, which are meant to bring joy to any jewish home, that make it all the more difficult for me. It is hard to find that same joy that I felt as a child when I can not witness my own child experience it.